Community Pregnancy Centers

   1. I don't really want to have sex now, is there something wrong with me?

No. Many young people enter into sexual relationships long before they should, just because they think they have to prove that they are “normal” and mature. Often, they are left with a lot of questions and regrets about that choice once they get older. In reality, evaluating facts and weighing pros and cons shows maturity. Although it may seem like everyone is doing it, the fact is that there are a lot of young people that are deciding to wait until marriage. The pregnancy, divorce, STD and HIV epidemics are making many young people think a lot more seriously about this VERY important decision.

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   2.   Sex is fun, why would I want to wait?

Sometimes fun has a price tag attached to it. Many people have decided that the price is too high and are choosing to wait until marriage.

THE BENEFITS OF WAITING

Freedom from the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDS)

Freedom from the risk of pregnancy

Freedom from carrying emotional baggage and memories from an old relationship into your marriage

Freedom to know that your relationships are not based on sex and that you are together because of who you are

Freedom from feeling used

Freedom to keep parent's trust

Freedom to accomplish your goals

Freedom from feelings trapped in a sexual relationship

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   3. How do I know if I'm in love?

That is a really hard question because very often INFATUATION feels more like LOVE than LOVE does. Here is a little comparison chart:

LOVE INFATUATION

Grows over time

Love at first sight

Main concern if for other person

Everything is about you and your feelings

Is patient and loyal

Lacks patience and commitment

Trust

Uncertain trust

Feel secure, receive unconditional acceptance

Insecurity

Honesty is #1

Honesty is hard

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   4. As humans, don't we need intimacy?

Yes. Each one of us needs love, acceptance, and intimacy. Unfortunately, we often think sex is the key to getting those needs met. Sex may feel like you’re getting them, but feelings and reality are often two different things. Trust and respect show love. Hugging, hanging out and wanting to spend time together shows intimacy and acceptance with a lot less risk than sex. In reality, sexual intimacy can block the emotional intimacy in a relationship because sex is a big deal and can take over the relationship.
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5. How am I supposed to wait until marriage? I am horny!!

Did you know your greatest sex organ is between your ears? Yep, It’s your brain so you need to be careful of what goes into it. As if your hormones aren’t hard enough to control, when you add visual, intellectual, and auditory (i.e. Pornography, sex chat rooms, certain music) stimulation, you are just setting yourself up for frustration. It is important for you to create a mind-set for yourself that says, “I’m not going to do this until I am married and it is not even an option.”

Here are some tips if you are (or when you start) dating:

Determine your limits before you get physical.

Know your reasons! It’s easy to get talked into doing more. You might regret not having a set limit.

Pick your partner wisely.

Find out before you go out if he/she is sexually active. If they don’t share your desire to save it, they may pressure you into having sex as part of being “in love”

Be up front.

Before you get too cozy, let him/her know that you are waiting. Tell them it’s nothing personal, but a decision that you have made for yourself that will not change.

Consider double dating or group dates.

It’s more difficult to become intimate with other people hanging around.

Keep your clothes on.

Sex is progressive and it is difficult to do much with your clothes on.

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   6. Aren't the only people who wait to have sex religious fanatics?

The physical and emotional risks and consequences of having sex before marriage are the same for the religious as well as the nonreligious. Many people feel that sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual activity. Studies show that a majority teens in America believe in God¹…among that group there are many very different religions that disagree on many things. It is interesting that most all of the major religions (i.e.: Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Protestant, Mormon, etc.) agree that sex should be kept within the marriage relationship.
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   7. I'm not sure about waiting until marriage. How will I know when I'm ready?

If your answers to any of these questions is “no” or “I don’t know”, maybe you should consider waiting.
• Is having sex in agreement with my own values?

• Would my parents approve of my having sex now?

• If I have a child, am I responsible enough to provide for it’s emotional & financial support?

• If the relationship ends, will I be glad I had sex with this person?

• Am I sure no one is pushing me into having sex?

• Does my partner want to have sex now?

• Am I absolutely sure my partner is not infected with an STD?

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    8. If we use hormone birth control and condoms, aren't we safe?

Obviously you are safer than if you didn’t use them, but are you safe ENOUGH? As you read the following facts, keep in mind that hormone contraception does nothing to protect you from STDs.
• 1 in 6 couples using condoms for birth control still get pregnant within one year. (based on a 3-15% failure rate)²

• The average woman can only get pregnant 2-3 days per month. However, it is very difficult to know which 2-3 days and you can get an STD every day of the month.

• Viral germs are much smaller than a sperm. HIV is 450 times smaller than sperm.

• If a sperm gets there in 1 out of 6 couples 3 days out of the month, do you think a smaller STD germ can get there too?

• Condoms are ineffective in preventing some STDs.

• Some STDs can be spread not only by sexual intercourse, but also by oral sex and sexual touching.

• STDs can affect your ability to have children in the future.

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   9. Don't you think it would be boring just having sex with one person your whole life?

Believe it or not, according to comprehensive scientific studies, married people report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually active singles and cohabitating couples.^3,4
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10. How does any of this apply to me? I've already had sex.

The term “Second Virgin” makes a lot of people laugh. However, people who are living this lifestyle take it very seriously. Second virginity is an attitude that says “been there, done that, and no more until I’m married.” Obviously, you can’t get back your physical virginity or erase memories of past sexual relationships, but it’s a huge, positive step to a healthier lifestyle.
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   11. How does anyone quit once they've had sex?

Again, it’s a mindset. It will be important for you to set firm boundaries on how far you will go and stick to them. Most second virgins know how quickly things can get going and choose to draw the line at kissing. Some find even that too stimulating.

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   12. Are you saying sex is bad?

Absolutely not! Sex is WONDERFUL but it is powerful. When you have sex, you open your heart and soul as well as your body to the person you have sex with. You will forever be connected to that person. If it is your husband/wife, then it can strengthen your bond. But if not, you end up connected to someone you won’t be with long term.

Without the commitment of marriage, there are many consequences: unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, the emotional pain of a break-up.....

Here is an illustration that will help clarify this: Sex within a marriage is like a fire in a fireplace. It is warm and beautiful, creates an intimate mood and is actually useful. However, if that fire is not kept within the walls and screen (boundaries) of the fireplace, and allowed to just freely burn, (say on the drapes, carpet, furniture) the results, or consequences, will not be good.

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13. I want to have sex now so I'll have experience when I get married.

Let’s look at this from a different perspective. Fast forward your life several years to the time when you are ready to get married:
• Ladies, do you want some other girl teaching your man how to satisfy You?

• Gentlemen, do you want some other guy teaching your wife how to have great sex?

• How intensely orgasmic and wonderful could it be to figure it out together, with no worry about old memories… comparisons… disease.

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14. You talk like marriage is this perfect thing. What about divorce?

Unfortunately divorce has become way too common. Approximately 50% of the marriages now end in divorce and, unfortunately, the ones to often suffer the most are the kids. Do you think there is a connection between this divorce rate and the way people think about sex? There are obviously many different reasons for divorce. However, there is no other emotion that causes heartache more than passion. It is usually the reason why some people date and eventually marry the wrong person. They live the rest of their lives wishing they made their decision based on reality and facts rather than on emotions.

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15. What if you save it and marry someone who cheats on you?

Yes, that would be sad, but who do you think would be more likely to cheat… someone who had waited until marriage to have sex, or someone who had been with several people before marriage? These are important things to discuss before marriage. You would want to be sure your future spouse has been honest about the past and if they have a “past” are you sure they are committed to only you? If the person you are marrying has had other sexual partners, be sure they are also tested for STDs.
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16. I'm a guy; it seems like it's harder for us to wait.

In addition to hormones, peer pressure, aggressive females and society put a ton of pressure on guys to have sex. It takes a guy with a strong character, a lot of self-respect, and established boundaries to overcome this kind of pressure. If you are with a girl who is pressuring you, reaffirm to her you care about her (if you do) and explain your reasons for choosing to wait.
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17. I'm a girl who wants to date and have relationships. Do you think I'll get asked out if I'm a virgin and plan on staying that way?

Of course you’ll get asked out, but you will need to be choosy about who you date. If a guy doesn’t want to have a relationship with you because you want to wait, then that tells you something about his motives for the relationship. Maybe it’s best if it doesn’t become one. There are many guys out there that will respect your decision and still want to date you.
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18. What if I'm currently in a relationship and now am having second thoughts?

Tell your partner you want to take a month off the sex. One of three things will happen:
1. Your partner will say “ok, I’ll see ya in a month” If that happens, what does it tell you about your relationship?

2. Your partner may agree to take a month off and you may find that you really don’t have anything in common, but your sexual relationship.

3. You will find you are doing a lot more talking and just having fun. You will learn things about this person you never realized before and the emotional intimacy will grow.

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19. My significant other and I are living together, what about us?

Research shows that having a spouse as an exclusive sex partner is more satisfying than sex outside of marriage.^3,4 Couples reported that they feel more "loved" "wanted" and “taken care of" than co-habitating couples.
Literature consistently reports that people who have multiple co-habitation relationships before marriage are more likely to experience divorce than those who did not live together prior to marriage.⁵
Research has found that the overall rate of violence for co-habitation couples was twice as high, and the overall rate for severe violence was nearly five times higher, than that of married couples.^6,7

In your current living situation, do you ever feel:
1. You and/or your partner would like to be married someday?

2. Your lifestyle is not in agreement with your values?

3. Concern that if children are involved (or were involved) this arrangement is not in their best interest?

4. Your partner might leave you?

5. Financially trapped, you must live together to share expenses?

6. Fearful of becoming too emotionally attached?

7. Afraid to leave because you don't want to be alone and there might not be anyone better out there?

8. Unsure of your partner's loyalty?

9. Physically threatened?

10. The person you are with lacks some of the qualities you would look for in a spouse?

If your answer to any of these questions is "YES" we encourage you to reconsider your present living situation. Our peer counselors are here to help.

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1. Smith C. and Lundquist Denton M. (2005) Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers. Oxford University Press, Oxford.

2. Hatcher R.A. (1998) Contraceptive Technology, 17th ed. Ardent Media, New York. pp 800.

3. Waite L.J. and Joyner K. (2001) Emotional and Physical Satisfaction with Sex in Married, Cohabiting, and Dating Sexual Unions: Do Men and Women Differ? In Sex, Love, and Health in America (eds. E. O. Laumann and R. T. Michael). University of Chicago Press, Chicago.

4. Laumann E.O., Gagnon J.H., Michael R.T., Michaels S. (1994) The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. University of Chicago Press, Chicago.

5. Kamp-Dush C.M., Cohan C.L., Amato P.R. (2003) The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts? Journal of Marriage and the Family, 65, 539-549.

6. Stets J.E. (1991) Cohabiting and marital aggression: The role of social isolation" Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53, 669-680.

7. Gelles R.J. (1997) Intimate Violence in Families, 3^rd ed. Sage Publications Inc., Thousand Oaks, CA.